Love..

        Listening to "Precious Love" By James Morrison

Just as the title of the song says. Love is precious. Love is a gift given to us from above. It is a gift we have to cherish and hold very closely. Love comes in time but love can go very quickly. When you love somebody you have to treat them like you actually do love them. One thing I learned is, it's not about what you can get, its about what YOU can GIVE. That is many people's mistakes. I'm guilty of it. We all very well can be, But I know I am.
One thing we have to remember is, treat others how YOU would want to be treated. Yes, we all make mistakes. Some big some small, but we have to keep our eyes and hearts on the most important thing. Which is to make the other person feel loved, appreciated, not forgotten, and treasured.
Love is a treasure. Think back when you were a little kid. They talked about pirates and treasure maps. You would find a map, follow is and find your buried treasure. Well your happy, excited, can't wait to have ALL this treasure, right? Well why not do that with love? We always search our entire life searching for this treasure, and sometimes once we get it we lose sight in what we are suppose to do with it.

No one is perfect. We all have baggage from our pasts.. But we have to accept people for who they are. Those hardships we go through make us who we are. And that happens to all people on this earth.

    Listening to "When You Love Someone" By Bryan Adams

When you love someone, it always stays in your heart. It never really leaves. They gain a piece of your heart and sometimes very well the whole thing. I can say that I have TRULY loved someone once in my entire life. That doesn't mean I've been perfect through that love, but it does mean that they didn't just gain a piece of my heart, they stole the whole thing.  Love is really a gift from above. Our Heavenly Father gives us this gift to also help us grow, and to find that companion during great and bad times. But we have to try our hardest to not lose sight in that and let it go. It could be the worst mistake you EVER make. One of the worst mistakes, for all of our lives are full of them. But they still help us grow and learn and help us turn into the people we are suppose to be.

Communication is a problem in todays world. Even more so in relationships. We listen to ONLY reply and NOT to understand the other person. That can hurt a relationship more then you can imagine. I'm guilty of this very thing. ^. Trust me, its not good. If you realize you have this problem work on changing it now. You will feel better and so will your relationships with others. Whether its your parents, or loved one. It will make a big difference. One you will want to remember for the rest of your life.
We have to listen to others and take their feelings and thoughts into account. WE aren't the only people in the relationship. We can't be selfish and only worry about ourselves. It doesn't work and it won't work like that, I promise you.! Cherish that other person with all your heart. If not, start now. Start right this second and do all that you can. It's a give and take thing. You give and you take. But you have to remember to give. It really makes a difference.

There is NEVER only one person at fault at all times. It takes two. But when you realize you have done wrong, Apologize. Own up to your mistake and try to figure out what will make it better. You can't just say "I'm sorry I'm sorry" and then not do anything. Actions speak louder then words. So apologize, own up to it, and do what is right to make it better. Love is precious, Love is kind. Love is amazing. But you have to remember its very fragile. You can lose it quickly if your not careful.
Make the change now, embrace it, and do EVERYTHING in your power to make it right. It will make things only better. Also remember it always takes two. If you fight and need time to think, then give the other person time to think and come back to it. But never go to bed mad at each other. That has been a rule passed down in my family and I see it works, and try to do that in my relationship. Never go to bed mad at each other, and always kiss each other goodnight.


Dedicated to my love- Matthew Thomas <3 

Anxiety

             Listening to "Today Is Your Day" By Shania Twain

The lyrics to this song is very inspiring. Anxiety is something that is very hard to overcome. Personally when I feel it, I feel Closterphobic. Sometimes feeling so bad that I just wish I could rip the skin off of me because I feel THAT Closterphobic. There are things called "Triggers" that will make your anxiety spark. They can be something so small or so big to trigger it. The first step is recognizing these triggers. Recognize them and then figure out what exactly calms you. For me there are only a few things that can calm me. Some people however know exactly what calms them and everything I okay, slowly but surely of course.
When you have anxiety you can feel very alone like the world is crashing in and no one understands you. That you could scream at the top of your lungs and not one single person will turn their head to see your having a attack. Just remember to breathe. Like Dory says in Finding Nemo, "Just keep swimming" That is true for when a attack is coming. Just keep breathing. Even though while your having one if feels like it will NEVER stop, it will. Just like the roller-coaster in life. Hold on, Don't give up, and just breathe.

For many years I was suppose to take a depression/anxiety pill. I did take it, for a few months or so. But I stopped. Why you may ask. I felt trapped because I had to rely on a "pill" to not get depressed and to not have attacks. Little did I realize that I was only truly trapping myself. I'm not a fan of taking pills to begin with because of my stomach issues but in the long run I was only making things worse. A depression pill won't make you happy. It will make things a little easier going, but you have to find things that make you happy. Now I'm not saying this is easy, because I know full well its not. But IT IS possible to make better. Trying to take control and "fix it" isn't a bad thing to do. But it can get horrible real fast. Because I stopped taking it nothing got better only worse. I have lost jobs, lost sight in myself, and effected relationships all because I trapped myself.
I now take depression/anxiety pills on a regular bases. Do I still have issues with my depression and anxiety? Yes. I do. But it does help it. Surround yourself with people who will help you when you need it. They may or may not understand what your going through. But sometimes talking about it really helps.
Anxiety is very much like the devil. All the devil wants to do is take over your life, and drag you down to his level. That is really what anxiety does too. I was clinically diagnosed with a Anxiety Disorder. That is pretty much where its a chronic issues. I have lived my life in this "issue". Don't do that!!! You are letting it in. Take control of your life again and do the things that will help you. It will get better in the end. You have to always remember that. I will have this problem the rest of my life, but I'm not going to let it control my life anymore.

      Listening to "Wake Me Up" By Avicii

"I tried to carry the weight of the world, but I only have two hands"- that's exactly the part of the song I just heard. You can carry a certain amount but it is okay to stop and ask for help. That is so important, You will only ruin your life, LONG-TERM. I promise you this. Don't make the same mistake. Take life by the horns and YOU drive it and control it where it goes. Anxiety is one of the scariest feelings in the world to me, But because of it being so scary I'm not going to let it run my life. Again the issue will still be there but its okay. Everything will be okay. "This too shall pass"

 

Also, I'd like to thank my Husband for being by my side during my crazy anxiety attacks when he could be. Also I'd like to thank him for telling me over and over it is okay to take these pills. He tries to understand these issues and does, but sometimes it is hard for him to handle- But I'd like to thank him for trying and being there when no one else isn't. I don't give you enough credit.  I couldn't do it without you. I love you.

   

Life.

                     Listening to "Just Give It Time" By Jon McLaughlin


  Life is like a roller-coaster with ups, downs, twists and turns. We go along for the riding knowing it will stop, but when?  Now when you go to a amusement park and get on a roller-coaster, you get excited and nervous at the same time. You get on the ride, and it starts out okay then it gets faster with the ups and downs, twists and turns. What is the first thing you do? You hold on. Your not going to jump off in the middle of it, Your going to hold on..Tight.
Yes you will let out a scream or two, or three whichever but you hold on. It will eventually stop. That is how life is. Part of the ride can be smooth sailing, other parts are scary. But it is okay. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
We live once. Only once. It seems like a long time but it really isn't. What are things you want to accomplish and do before the ride is over? Do you want to spend the whole ride screaming and wondering when is it over, or would you rather hold on for the ride and make the most for it. Through different struggles in my life, I've had to ask myself that exact question. From time to time I lose sight in what I really want, then I have to bring myself back and remember- I'll never know when this ride is over. Life can be very discouraging. We get caught up in our jobs, friends, other people's problems and we lose sight to what is most important to us. Now I don't know about you, But I don't like going on rides alone. Luckily we are never alone. God is beside us. Holding on with us, and helping us.
One of the most important things I have learned in my life, Is to never lose sight in the most important things. Like the famous saying goes "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"
How true is that? Take life by the rails and make the most of it. It will be full of tears, laughter, smiles, grumpy faces, screams. The list could go on. On most rides, there is a camera at a certain point that will take your picture, which you can purchase after you get off the roller-coaster. If you think about it, we have those certain cameras set up in certain parts of our lives. It snaps and becomes a memory. Whether it is something we want to forget or remember, it shows us we made it through that certain part of our ride. If its negative turn it into a learning experience. If it is positive, cherish it and remember it for the big drops in life. Everything we do serves as a purpose. It is like one big circle. We chose to do this, which leads to this.

How things may be going right now, doesn't mean it will always be like this. You have to give it time. Always remember "FAITH" That has gotten me through so much in my life. Cause I tried to remember that things will get better. They have to. But if life was perfect with no hardships, honestly what fun would it be? How would we learn and go? How would we better ourselves? How would we develop qualities? If life was just a ride with none of that, I'm sorry but that doesn't sound like a ride I'd want to go on. Yes my struggles effect me and people around me, but it has also made me who I'am today. It has given me a chance to teach my children and others that no matter how crazy the ride is, Everything will be okay. I'll be able to get off this ride of life and know I did everything I could to make it worth wild.
Just hold on, what is the fun of jumping off before it stops? Or giving up? It's not.

     

Guardian Angel

                        Listening to "Time Of Your Life" By Greenday

Recently I gained a Guardian Angel. My Aunt. I've had the most terrible time dealing with her death. I'm a Grandma's girl. But during my life my Aunt and Grandmother was there. They both were a huge part of my life. Growing up, going to their house it became my safe haven. A place where I could go and know without a doubt that I was loved. It was my second home.
On May 17th, I got a phone call that would forever change my life. Now you know from previous posts that I've known death at a young age. But this time it was a close family member. Someone who was in my everyday life. As I drove to the nursing home, I remember rounding the hall and seeing My Sister, My parents, and Uncle standing in the hall way talking to a couple nurses. My sister pulled me aside and warned me that this was it. She wasn't expected to live much longer. As the Nurses and Doctor talked to us so we could decided the next step, as a family we decided we are in this together. There was a 50/50 chance she wouldn't make it to the hospital. My dad and Uncle (Who are her brothers') took their turn and then my mom and I walked in. I remember seeing how scared she was, but we tried comforting her to tell her it would be okay. I will never forget the look in her eyes. She knew that this was it.
For the next couple days she was in ICU. She had two major heart attacks, and her kidneys failed within a single night. We all sat around her by her side. She was never once alone. Hospice was called in. While they were unhooking the monitors before moving her to a different room, My Uncle asked them "Why are you removing those" The nurse made a comment that they weren't needed anymore. We both were in denial. It didn't seem fair that this was the end. She was moved into another room which was bigger for the whole family. I remember her going in and out of consciousness and her licking her lips cause they were so dry. The hospital had these small sponge "pops" if you want to call it that. So I would run that along her lips and let her get some sort of water to help the dryness. I can still remember the last time she told me she loved me. It was hard to understand but I knew she could hear me, and us.
We all slept in the same room with her. Some of us curled up on the floor sleeping or across two chairs. Even on a table that was in the room. We never wanted her to be alone.
On May 20th, she passed.
I always said that getting away from my abusive relationship was the hardest thing I ever done. But now, I can say this is. Watching a part of your life take their final breath is something that I will never forget. I will never forget watching her pass away, but I will also never forget how my family came together during this hard time. My Uncle held my hand as I rubbed the side of my Aunt's face telling her "I Love You". We all said our "Goodbyes"
I asked for time alone with her. As everyone left the room and shut the door, I stood by her side and rubbed her arm telling her to watch over me and the family. I also apologized for not visiting as much as I did and that I hoped she wasn't mad at me. I felt a SUDDEN feeling of love. Her spirit was there with me and telling me she wasn't mad at me. It made me smile feeling her love once again.

This was my last picture taken with her. I was looking at some book she was reading, and her telling me what it was about. I'am very thankful to say that I have a good last memory with her teasing me and making fun of me. Because of her love, I know how to be a awesome Aunt to my Nephews and hopefully Nieces in the future. They say it gets better as time goes on. Yes that is true but you can't lose sight in that. Right now for me it feels like its getting worse. I see things or hear things what I want to tell her and show her. But then I'm taken back because I remember that I can't. I have to remember that she is looking down on me and sees everything. I only want to make her proud from here on out. I want her to look down and say "That right there, That's my Niece and I'm dang proud!"

   

Depression, PTSD, And Anxiety

                                           Listening to " True Colors" By Phil Collins

Along with my health problems, I was introduced to death in 8th Grade. Growing up I would ask what does it mean to die, or I remember hearing about people being killed by others. I was taught what death was about because of my knowledge in my church, But I was told people killing others wouldn't happen here. I continued life believing that until I saw a picture of a girl I knew missing on the TV screen. I was angry, scared, confused, sad, ETC. I was out running a errand with my Mother, and when we walked into the door, my Dad was watching the news and there she was. MISSING. I was in shock. I had only seen her 2 days prior to this. I remember telling my parents, I know her. I've known her since elementary school, She only lived down the street. I remember being upset trying to think "She will be fine, they will find her. Its a mistake." My Aunt from northern FL called asking me If I knew her and if I was okay. Of course I said no, but they will find her.
One night I was fast asleep, and I had a nightmare. That the very man who kidnapped her was coming into my room to kidnap me. Everything in my dream was laid out like in real life. As he grabbed me out of bed he dragged me across the hall into the bathroom. As I looked around there was blood everywhere, and he was gone. I looked around and before I could run away he was back, grabbing me and starting to hang me. To this day I can still remember the feeling of having something wrapped around my neck and being pulled up to hang. While I was being hung, he pulled back the shower curtain and there she was hanging. Dead.
I instantly woke up. SCARED. Crying. That's when I was introduced to Anxiety. I knew after that dream that she was gone. Even though they hadn't found her yet I knew in my heart she was now a angel. Few days went by and on the news they covered how they had finally found her body. I was so sad. Even though I felt it, I didn't want to believe it. School provided therapy for us with bringing puppies for us to play with and people to talk to 24/7. I'll never forget the last day I saw her. Sitting two seats down away from me at the lunch table before school started. After they found her I had another dream about her. This time different. She was smiling and waving to me as we passed. Like she was happy. She was in a better place, and I believe she was trying to tell me that.
I continued to see a therapist after this. Because of the dream I had been in with being hung, I developed and still to this day a fear of bathrooms. Everytime I go into a bathroom I HAVE to check behind the curtain to make sure nothing is behind it. Going into public bathrooms is the worst.
      
                          Listening to "Apologize" By Timbaland and One Republic
         
At the age of 16, I thought I had life figured out. I was completely wrong. Still dealing with past issues, I just wanted to feel loved. As a teenager you think the world is against you, and in many cases it is true. I found myself in a relationship that was the complete opposite. This relationship was a all around bad idea. This is where I developed my PTSD, and depression. Which of course it didn't help my anxiety disorder. I was so young and not experienced. My ex knew that. He was 19. Of course all abusive people do the "nice guy" act first. Then BAM their true self comes out. And that is where you feel trapped. I had always told myself I would never be in a abusive relationship. It is so much different when you are actually in that situation. You feel trapped, lonely, unloved, out of control. There were so many apologies and Ill change. I lost sight in life so much. I stopped talking to friends, I lost my true self, I didn't do the things I once enjoyed doing. My life wasn't my life anymore. It was his.
Coming from a abusive life style himself, He had a lot of regret and took it out on me. He saw his father being abusive towards his mother. His father had took his own life and he witnessed it. That is where his guilt came in.
I was so depressed, I felt so trapped. Of course friends and family would see me smiling and thinking everything was A-OKAY, but it wasn't. I had my whole future planned out for me. And it wasn't even my choice. But I continued to go along with it cause I was scared. I didn't know how to get out of it or how to rise above it. After quite a few months that went by, I decided I was going to try and leave.
I will never forget this night. He OD. He called me to tell me his goodbyes and how it was all my fault that I drove him to do this. While I had him on the phone, I told my mom to call his mom's cell. As I'm trying to keep him coherent and I can hear his mom trying to get into his room, I couldn't hang up the phone. I had felt so much guilt I felt like if he made it through this I'd be in trouble. I stayed on the phone crying as my mom also crying held me. I heard the EMTs come and try to talk to him. I heard him go unconscious, and drop the phone. I heard it all. I finally hung up and lost it. I didn't know if he was dead or alive.  After a few days of not knowing, I got the phone call. He was alive. I came up to the hospital to see him. First thing out of his mouth was "Did you hang up?" I said "no" he replied "Good". I knew at that moment I was hooked. He had me by the palm of his hand and he knew it. I also knew this could turn bad to worse. As the Doctor came in to tell me how I saved his life, I cried.
A few months later, A friend I had worked with was killed by her boyfriend. She was also in a abusive relationship. It was bitter sweet for me. I was saddened by another lost of a friend, but it was a answered prayer. I worked up the courage to leave my ex and to NEVER look back. And I never did. I only looked ahead on how to heal from this. I knew If I had stayed in that relationship I would of ended up like her.
After ending things officially, I kept seeking therapy and got treatment for my Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety disorder. To this day, I'm still suffering and dealing with my depression. One of the reasons I'am writing a blog, to help myself heal and to help others who may feel lonely, trapped and confused.

Chronic Digestive Illnesses

As a young child I suffered a lot from Stomach aches, Stomach pains, Stomach "Flues" Lots of tests were ran and they never knew what truly was wrong. I went on always complaining of my stomach hurting. Certain foods would really bother me. Of course being at a young age people thought I was only trying to get out of eating certain foods. I never knew at that young of an age how to express the amount of pain I was in when I ate certain things, or did certain things. The pain would keep me up at night, I never really slept. I just stayed quiet and went with the flow. (No pun intended) ;)

As middle school approached my stomach took a turn for the worse. Certain foods would not stay down, and I would constantly be getting sick to my stomach. Pain grew, and got so intense. I went back to my doctor and was referred to All Children's Hospital. I would miss a lot of school, My parents thought I was trying to avoid going to school. That wasn't the case. And we all figure that out as I went through All Children's Hospital. There is where I was diagnosed with IBS. For those of you who don't know IBS is Irritable Bowel Syndrome. It is where your Bowel will Inflame, Bleed, and also have Spasms.
I lost a lot of weight and had to try to find foods where it was easier for me to digest through my Bowels. That became harder then any of us including the doctor would imagine. Yeah they give you a "list" of foods to "avoid" and "Ok to eat". Well I quickly found out that it wasn't going to work that way. Certain foods they would want me to eat would only just make me sicker. I would lose nutrients quickly. I became extremely skinny. People would make fun of me at school, thinking I was anorexic. And I wasn't. But that's a whole different subject....

I remember one day, wanting to give up hope that I'd be able to ever eat normal and the Doctor walked in. He confirmed the worst. I'd never really be able to sit down and eat a normal meal, or a plate full of food, or be able to pig out on seconds! He warned me that one day my stomach would get even worse. My heart sunk. I knew the light at the end of the tunnel was way way far away.
Because of my sickness, I barely made it through school. I fell behind, got held back a couple grades. I never wanted to drop out of school though, I knew it was something I really wanted to finish. I ended up having to get my GED. My illness took over my life.
However in Nov of 2011 what the Dr had warned me years before happened. I couldn't keep a single thing down. Not even a cracker. I knew something was up because I had gained about 20lbs more then I had ever weighed in my entire life. I quickly lost those 20lbs. Being older I was able to see a Adult GI (Gastroenterologist) . From there more tests were done. In March 2012, That's where she found I had Gastritis.  Gastritis is an inflammation, irritation, or erosion of the lining of the stomach.
When I awoke from the procedure to hear this, I didn't feel relieved. Of course that caught my family's attention and I'm sure yours. I knew deep down in my heart that this wasn't the end. I just knew. I knew something else was wrong. After trying different medicine to try to help me be able to eat and keep food in, I would still hurt. Intense hurt. To the point of needing to go to the ER for pain meds. I would bloat to the point were random strangers would ask me how far along I was.

On Aug 16th 2012 two days before my Wedding, I went in to the hospital for a Stomach Emptying Test. While on our honeymoon, results were in. I tested positive for Gastroparesis. Was I finally relieved? YES. I knew ALL the answers had been found and now it was a matter of treating these diseases.

It didn't ruin my honeymoon. I knew I had someone to support me and to love me even though I suffer from these stomach illnesses.

Gastroparesis is a condition in which your stomach  cannot empty itself of food in a normal fashion. It is caused by damage to the vagus nerve, which regulates the digestive system. A damaged vagus nerve prevents the muscles in the stomach and intestine from functioning, preventing food from moving through the digestive system properly. In other words, part of my intestines are paralyzed.

Finding Love...

"Listening to "Let me love you until you love yourself" By Ne-yo"

Sunday Jan 28th 2012 I found love. I wanted love, but didn't know Id find it that night. I remember it was a church function. I'm a proud member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints. I remember walking into a member's house, with white Christmas lights hanging around the room and the living room full of people I didn't know. Only a few that I did know. Walking in late (which isn't a surprise if you know me well) I took a seat in the back by the front door. Our meeting started. As the meeting went on, I notice a young man sitting on the couch on the other side of the room. He was showing people how he could do the "wave" with his eyebrows and dislocate his shoulder. Of course I thought what a dork!! But so cool! I knew then in my heart I was suppose to somehow get his attention. Yes Yes I know your probably thinking "Why would that catch her attention like that?"

Well It did. During the rest of my night it was a mission for me to catch his attention. I remember us both talking to other people, but catching each other's eyes from across the way. After a few hours, we exchanged numbers and parted ways. That following Friday the same group of people got together to play games at the church. As I was getting ready I'll confess, I tried dressing to impress..Which only turned out to be tee-shirt and Jeans..But I did do my make up cause I knew I would be seeing him. As we arrived to church (Yet late again) He showed us the way to where others had been waiting. We had a nice bond fire, roasted marshmallows and then went inside to play games. It was a great night, trying to catch his eye and get him to notice me. Guess what IT worked!!

June 4th 2012, he bent down on bended knee and asked me to be his wife. I knew I was suppose to be with him. I said YES! I knew there was a reason I was suppose to catch his attention the night I met him. And that was because he was my Future Husband. We married Aug 18th 2012.