Depression, PTSD, And Anxiety

                                           Listening to " True Colors" By Phil Collins

Along with my health problems, I was introduced to death in 8th Grade. Growing up I would ask what does it mean to die, or I remember hearing about people being killed by others. I was taught what death was about because of my knowledge in my church, But I was told people killing others wouldn't happen here. I continued life believing that until I saw a picture of a girl I knew missing on the TV screen. I was angry, scared, confused, sad, ETC. I was out running a errand with my Mother, and when we walked into the door, my Dad was watching the news and there she was. MISSING. I was in shock. I had only seen her 2 days prior to this. I remember telling my parents, I know her. I've known her since elementary school, She only lived down the street. I remember being upset trying to think "She will be fine, they will find her. Its a mistake." My Aunt from northern FL called asking me If I knew her and if I was okay. Of course I said no, but they will find her.
One night I was fast asleep, and I had a nightmare. That the very man who kidnapped her was coming into my room to kidnap me. Everything in my dream was laid out like in real life. As he grabbed me out of bed he dragged me across the hall into the bathroom. As I looked around there was blood everywhere, and he was gone. I looked around and before I could run away he was back, grabbing me and starting to hang me. To this day I can still remember the feeling of having something wrapped around my neck and being pulled up to hang. While I was being hung, he pulled back the shower curtain and there she was hanging. Dead.
I instantly woke up. SCARED. Crying. That's when I was introduced to Anxiety. I knew after that dream that she was gone. Even though they hadn't found her yet I knew in my heart she was now a angel. Few days went by and on the news they covered how they had finally found her body. I was so sad. Even though I felt it, I didn't want to believe it. School provided therapy for us with bringing puppies for us to play with and people to talk to 24/7. I'll never forget the last day I saw her. Sitting two seats down away from me at the lunch table before school started. After they found her I had another dream about her. This time different. She was smiling and waving to me as we passed. Like she was happy. She was in a better place, and I believe she was trying to tell me that.
I continued to see a therapist after this. Because of the dream I had been in with being hung, I developed and still to this day a fear of bathrooms. Everytime I go into a bathroom I HAVE to check behind the curtain to make sure nothing is behind it. Going into public bathrooms is the worst.
      
                          Listening to "Apologize" By Timbaland and One Republic
         
At the age of 16, I thought I had life figured out. I was completely wrong. Still dealing with past issues, I just wanted to feel loved. As a teenager you think the world is against you, and in many cases it is true. I found myself in a relationship that was the complete opposite. This relationship was a all around bad idea. This is where I developed my PTSD, and depression. Which of course it didn't help my anxiety disorder. I was so young and not experienced. My ex knew that. He was 19. Of course all abusive people do the "nice guy" act first. Then BAM their true self comes out. And that is where you feel trapped. I had always told myself I would never be in a abusive relationship. It is so much different when you are actually in that situation. You feel trapped, lonely, unloved, out of control. There were so many apologies and Ill change. I lost sight in life so much. I stopped talking to friends, I lost my true self, I didn't do the things I once enjoyed doing. My life wasn't my life anymore. It was his.
Coming from a abusive life style himself, He had a lot of regret and took it out on me. He saw his father being abusive towards his mother. His father had took his own life and he witnessed it. That is where his guilt came in.
I was so depressed, I felt so trapped. Of course friends and family would see me smiling and thinking everything was A-OKAY, but it wasn't. I had my whole future planned out for me. And it wasn't even my choice. But I continued to go along with it cause I was scared. I didn't know how to get out of it or how to rise above it. After quite a few months that went by, I decided I was going to try and leave.
I will never forget this night. He OD. He called me to tell me his goodbyes and how it was all my fault that I drove him to do this. While I had him on the phone, I told my mom to call his mom's cell. As I'm trying to keep him coherent and I can hear his mom trying to get into his room, I couldn't hang up the phone. I had felt so much guilt I felt like if he made it through this I'd be in trouble. I stayed on the phone crying as my mom also crying held me. I heard the EMTs come and try to talk to him. I heard him go unconscious, and drop the phone. I heard it all. I finally hung up and lost it. I didn't know if he was dead or alive.  After a few days of not knowing, I got the phone call. He was alive. I came up to the hospital to see him. First thing out of his mouth was "Did you hang up?" I said "no" he replied "Good". I knew at that moment I was hooked. He had me by the palm of his hand and he knew it. I also knew this could turn bad to worse. As the Doctor came in to tell me how I saved his life, I cried.
A few months later, A friend I had worked with was killed by her boyfriend. She was also in a abusive relationship. It was bitter sweet for me. I was saddened by another lost of a friend, but it was a answered prayer. I worked up the courage to leave my ex and to NEVER look back. And I never did. I only looked ahead on how to heal from this. I knew If I had stayed in that relationship I would of ended up like her.
After ending things officially, I kept seeking therapy and got treatment for my Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety disorder. To this day, I'm still suffering and dealing with my depression. One of the reasons I'am writing a blog, to help myself heal and to help others who may feel lonely, trapped and confused.